Thursday, October 29, 2015

2015 One of My Worst Year's Ever

2015 will go down in my history as one of my worst years ever.  We experienced the winter from "hell", I slipped on ice and lost two tendons in my left shoulder, lost my job in April and ended up placing my Mom in a nursing home, something I will never be able to get rid of the guilt ever, despite the fact that there were stronger pros than cons for the decision (and it wasn't entirely my decision). I ended up putting her back in when she started to go into periods of pure hatred for me. I ended up giving up her apartment not knowing at the time that the rages were able to be controlled so I am feeling guilty that I placed her sooner than she needed to be.

I've given her the choice of my trying to find another apartment, another aide (oh yes, I would have to replace her aide as the woman who was looking after her took on another job) or have her move in with me which would have been a hardship for her because the only time she'd be able to get out is when she went to the doctor as it would cost me $300 to get her up and down the stairs to my apartment.

I did not know exactly how much I loved her until I moved her up near me; yet I never expected that "her" place would end up becoming a cage for me.  For the last 2 years I was paying approximately $12000 a year to keep up my co-op apartment expenses and only able to spend between 5 to 15 hours a week there since my mom could no longer live on her own and I had to be with her because she could experience syncope and could pass out at any time from standing or over-exertion.

To help alleviate some of the feeling of guilt, I spend a lot of time with her; between 4 to 6 hours a day. Winter will be more difficult as I won't be able to get there when the weather is bad as I do not drive in snow and ice . . . but we will get through it.

The thing now is that she (1) now has immediate medical attention, no longer having to call 911 and wait; (2) she is eating what she should have been eating and not the junk she chose to eat all the time, (3) she no longer sleeps the entire day - she is awake and participating in some of the activities as well as talking with other people, (4) we're no longer paying double/triple rent and utilities and (5) I can live in my own place again. We are spending more quality time together, we can go outside when the weather is nice and I can still take her places, probably easier because we have a special para-transit pass. Yes, there are advantages and I will have to keep reminding myself of them.

In the meantime, I've had to look for a job because that was the only way I could stay on unemployment, but that will be coming to an end in about 3 weeks.  I will continue to look occasionally but I won't have to worry about not finding any job worth applying to or not find something because they require a Bachelor's degree, they are too far away or are full-time only.

Only 2 more months to go 2015 and hopefully I will have gotten through the worst of it and will be back starting my climb up the hill.